Unknown Expectations

We had an ultrasound today to look and see if I still have vasa previa and determine what the go forward plan would be. In anticipation of the ultrasound I really feel like I didn't have any expectations. There were a couple of possible outcomes and I felt really open to any of them and just wanted to know. The placenta could have migrated more toward the top of my uterus and the vessels would have followed and the situation would not be as risky. In that case, delivery would have been postponed to later than 34 weeks...possibly 36 weeks. I probably still would have been on bedrest but maybe at home and not at the hospital. Or, the vasa previa would still be so evident that the doctor would stick to the original plan of delivering Garrett at 34 weeks. The doctor determined the later. He said that he is actually more convinced with this ultrasound than the last one (3 weeks ago) that it is a clear vasa previa and we should not take any chances. Therefore, barring an emergency situation, I am going to have a baby in two weeks (on or around Aug 5). WHOA! I realize now that I did have an expectation and that was that things would look at least a little better. Better enough that the doctor would want to look again before we actually delivered Garrett. However, he said that even if the vessels moved a little in the next two weeks it would not be enough for him to consider it safe to postpone delivery. I also think that I unintentionally got my hopes up about going home. I think I was trying to convince myself that I didn't have an expectations. In reality, I was hopeful about going home and really expecting that things had gotten better and not stayed the same. That must by why I feel like crying right now. Although, I am fairly anxious and somewhat emotional about the unknowns right now, it really isn't that big of a deal. I will have only been in the hospital for a month and 34 week babies are usually very healthy and don't have any serious issues. According to the ultrasound, Garrett weighs 4 lbs 14 oz. Which means that in two weeks he should be well over 5 lbs. The doctor said that the measurements per the ultrasound tend to break down and could be off a pound or more for bigger babies but with the size of mine if it is off at all it should only be off by a few ounces. I am praying for the steroids to have done their job for Garrett's lung development and he will not develop any respiratory issues. When I saw the neonatologist the other day she said weight and lungs were the two biggest things that they consider when deciding if a pre-term baby needs to be admitted to the NICU. Of course, I don't want him to go to the NICU and be able to room with me. I want him to be able to feed normally but they say the suck/swallow coordination is not developed until 36 or 37 weeks. I have the best laid plans figured out in my head already. However, the Lord keeps reminding me that my plans are not His plans. I know and trust that His plans are always perfect. Again, I sacrifice the unknowns to the Lord, have complete trust and dependence on Him, and humbly ask for Him to shower His grace and peace on us once again.